ARTICLE ARCHIVE
Life Would Be Easy...
If It Weren't for PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE People (Part 2)
By Connie Podesta
In any situation where you suspect passive-aggressive behavior, you must begin by taking a close look at yourself and your communication style. This is not to excuse the passive-aggressive in any way, because their behavior is definitely unhealthy, nonproductive, and sometimes even hurtful.
Dealing with the Passive-Aggressive Person
Realize that we do play an integral part in how people treat us. We can only change ourselves, not others. So the first step is to evaluate our own behavior to see if we are contributing to an environment that allows passive-aggressiveness to grow and thrive.
In order for someone to be motivated to seek revenge, they must identify an injustice done to them - real or not. We did not necessarily do them any wrong, but they perceive and believe our behavior to be inappropriate, unacceptable, unfair, or unjust. Sometimes they are right.
Nevertheless, their covert, devious reaction is still not excused. But now we have a place to start when trying to diffuse the passive-aggressive.
What can I do to stop it?
Passive-aggressives are often people who believe their lives are controlled by others, but they lack the skill, knowledge, desire, and/or confidence necessary to be assertive. To minimize their attacks, be as assertive as possible. Most passive-aggressives find it no fun to deal with someone who will openly and honestly call them out about their behavior.
Be aware that passive-aggressive behavior almost always produces a passive-aggressive reaction.
We are responsible for our actions. We must make a conscious decision to not simply react or behave in a way that just feels good for the moment. We need to weigh the choices so both our actions and our communication serve to enhance our relationships rather than destroy them.
The only time it is beneficial to ignore negative behavior is when you are dealing with someone who is giving you the silent treatment. The same technique works on children, friends, and co-workers. First, tell them you are totally aware of their attempts to get even with you for some "injustice." Then go about your business and just let them sulk until they decide to deal with the problem in a more mature, assertive way. You will be okay.
Tell them what you expect!
Passive-aggressives are not used to being held accountable for their behavior. Challenge them positively! But be ready for the counter-attack. For example, how do you respond when someone who is behaving inappropriately disagrees with you in a public forum? This is one of the hardest - and most critical - times to be assertive and not give in or give up.
The best assertive response to a passive-aggressive person who openly disagrees with you is, "Thank you. I appreciate your willingness to tell me how you feel face-to-face." We might as well hear what they are thinking about us to our face because they are saying it behind our back anyway.
Never doubt that passive-aggressives are at war with us. Unless we know how they feel, we will never be able to plan a successful strategy to improve the relationship.
As with our children, the more a person understands what is expected of them and taught why those rules and expectations are relevant to their future well-being, the less likely they are to engage in passive-aggressive behavior. And they must know what the consequences will be if those expectations are not met. The more the person is involved in the process, the more they will understand about accountability and responsibility for one's actions.
There is never a winner with passive-aggressive behavior, only losers. Do not ignore passive-aggressive behavior or it will get worse. Remember that we train difficult people! Just as with other communication styles, assertive is the only way to effectively deal with the passive-aggressive. Be prepared though, because they will surely test your assertive limits. If you can deal with them and their manipulations, your life will be much easier.
Take Action!
Is there someone in your life that deserves to be taught a lesson? Are you tempted to get even by using passive-aggressive behavior? If so, how could you communicate your feelings more assertively?
Watch for passive-aggressive behavior in your relationships at work and home. Notice how destructive it is. Think about ways you could improve communication.
Do you have someone in your life who is being passive-aggressive to you? Do you know why? Think about how you could begin to communicate more assertively and productively with them. Have you let them know you are aware of their behavior?
Connie Podesta, MS, LPC, CSP, is the Director of the Interpersonal Skills Department of Building the Power Practice. She was an educator for 15 years at all levels from junior high to major universities. She has served as Director of Employee Assistance Program (EAP) and Director of Staff Relations at a large community hospital. Ms. Podesta conducts workshops and training seminars for health care organizations and is a popular speaker at major dental seminars throughout the country. For more information or to schedule a speaking engagement, call 972-596-5501.
|
