ARTICLE ARCHIVE
Life Would Be Easy...
If It Weren't for PASSIVE People (Part 2)
By Connie Podesta
Why bother learning how to deal with passive people? They are the saintly, nice, never-cause-a-fuss, do-whatever-you-want people. Sounds like the kind of people you would like to have around all the time, right? Wrong! Dealing with the Passive Person
Although it is true that passives are usually considered nice people, they do cause a fuss - constantly! They are frustrating and confusing, insincere and vague, wishy-washy and unreliable. They do not tell you how they really feel because they are too busy telling you what they think you want to hear or will keep the peace.
Passives lack the trust and self-confidence needed to communicate assertively. They do not trust us to respond positively to any assertive attempts on their part because that has not been their experience in the past.
What can I do to help?
Although it is impossible to change another person, we can change how we respond and react to people and situations. Passives have learned how to avoid confrontation at any cost.
Whatever the reason, passives need a safe, functional environment where they can learn that it is crucial to be open, direct, and assertive if they want to be an integral part of any relationship. Passives need to experience what it is like to be assertive without hurting someone's feelings or making someone angry.
You must make time to get to the bottom of what a passive is really trying to say. You must communicate assertively with passives. Do not allow passives to make commitments you know they cannot keep.
For example, if passive Margie says she'll go to Movie B because you invited her to spend some time together over the weekend even though she really has no desire to see Movie B, she does what passives do all the time - she lies! Internally she is either mad or nervous about doing something she really doesn't want to do. But there is no way for you to know that all of this is going on. She may even perceive your kind efforts to include her as your being bossy!
Text String, Is there any chance for survival?
We can help passive people learn to focus on being direct and assertive. All you can do is to give passive people in your life permission to make a decision and then praise them for their participation.
To deal successfully with a passive, you must teach them by modeling assertive behavior on how to solve problems, sort out options, share concerns, and tell the truth about what is really happening. Anyone who has ever been involved with teaching, coaching, and mentoring knows that these jobs require tact and patience. It is important that we take the time to carefully word our needs so the passive understands that (a) there are options, and we really need them to be honest with us, (b) they can trust us and safely share those honest feelings, and (c) if they really want to avoid a hassle, it would be better to resolve the issue now than to deal with it later.
If we are getting our needs met because a passive gives in and does what we want, we probably would rather maintain the status quo. If you truly want to keep the passives in your life passive, then it may be fair to assume that you are an aggressive who likes to stay in control. Nice as it may seem now, the relationship may not survive for two reasons.
A passive generally becomes very tiring and very frustrating to be around. It is hard to have respect for someone who rarely has an opinion or idea of their own. Also be aware that passives have a way of turning on you after years of giving up and giving in. They may either become aggressive and use some of the same techniques that always worked on them, or they will find a way to get even - not overtly, but secretly and deviously.
Getting someone to trust us and learning to trust someone who has misled, exaggerated, or lied to us takes patience and time. The first thing that must be done in order to develop trust with a passive is to look within yourself. We may not be aware of our influences because it is so easy to manipulate passives. They practically ask for it when they give in or give up so quickly. If we want the passives in our life to shape up, we must commit to being assertive with them.
Functional, healthy relationships are not about control and power. The passive must feel worthy and respected in our presence so that they have the confidence to share their feelings and concerns.
Take Action!
Identify two passive people in your life. Think about whether you create a safe, assertive environment in which they can learn to communicate more openly.
How can you help the passive people in your life trust you and feel more confident about sharing their honest feelings with you?
Connie Podesta, MS, LPC, CSP, is the Director of the Interpersonal Skills Department of Building the Power Practice. She was an educator for 15 years at all levels from junior high to major universities. She has served as Director of Employee Assistance Program (EAP) and Director of Staff Relations at a large community hospital. Ms. Podesta conducts workshops and training seminars for health care organizations and is a popular speaker at major dental seminars throughout the country. For more information or to schedule a speaking engagement, call 972-596-5501.
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