ARTICLE ARCHIVE
Life Would Be Easy...
If It Weren't for AGRESSIVE People (Part 2)
By Connie Podesta
Look at your communication style this week. Identify the times you are tempted to use hurt or anger to manipulate someone. How could you be more assertive instead?
Aggressive personalities view life from a win/lose perspective, and they create oppositional relationships. Interactions with them become struggles for control of our personality and our life. Their weapons of choice are hurt and anger; their strategy is to make you feel bad; and their outcome is for you to change your mind, your attitude, or your behavior. But you always have a choice - and options!
Dealing with the Aggressive Person
The most important thing to remember in any personality conflict is that we cannot change anyone else. However, we can chose to change ourselves and how we react to other's attempts to manipulate us.
When faced with aggressive behavior, we have two possible responses. First, we can assert ourselves, confront the attack (which means we avoid reacting to the emotions and sensations their tactics trigger in us), and neutralize the onslaught. This is the assertive choice.
Second, we can allow ourselves to be drawn in and manipulated and respond by using one of three non-assertive communication styles. We can give in to the attack and avoid the issue at hand (passive); we can resort to imitating the difficult behavior by being manipulative right back (aggressive); or we can attempt to get even and teach them a lesson (passive-aggressive).As long as a difficult person is allowed to behave in an inappropriate or unacceptable way and they are rewarded for this behavior by getting their needs met, they will have no incentive to change.
Assertive negative feedback works!
Difficult people do not respect people who allow them to get away with their manipulations, therefore, we must give the difficult person timely feedback (assertive negative) that their behavior is not acceptable. Unfortunately, many people try to avoid confrontation because they believe a confrontation will simply escalate the already tense situation, or they believe any type of confrontation or negative feedback will not coincide with their image of a "nice person."
Assertive negative means you must let the other person know as soon as possible that their action, tone, or behavior is not acceptable to you. It sounds mature and grown-up, functional and healthy, professional, in-control and confident; it can even sound caring and comforting.
For example, an aggressive negative response might sound like: "You are so lazy and irresponsible. How many times do I have to tell you to clean up your room?" Or, "Oh, fine. That's a great idea. I'm sure our clients will really enjoy waiting 2 extra days for their order." Or, "I'm sick of dealing with you! I've had it!"
A more powerful, effective assertive negative response for each follows: "Son, I need you to clean your room now. I know you've had a lot going on after school, and it's easy to get distracted, but this needs to be your number 1 priority." Or, "I'm concerned that the new shipping schedule will cause a delay in getting our clients their orders on time. What can we do to make sure this doesn't happen?" Or, "I'm frustrated and tired right now, and I'm sure you are too, so we're getting nowhere with this discussion. Let's talk again later."
Three important things changed:
1. The other person has been told that we have noticed their behavior and we feel it is not acceptable, appropriate, or necessary.
2. There were no insults, put-downs, sarcastic statements, or threats used.
3. We did not ignore, reward, accept, or emulate their negative behavior.
Watch out for detours...The bottom line is that most difficult people are cowards. They really do not want to deal with anyone they think might see through the tears and threats and assertively take them on face-to-face. But aggressive people do want control. They want to get their needs met and have been taught by the rest of us that manipulation using hurt and anger usually works.
Assertiveness requires you to think about what you need to say, how you want to say it, and stick to the subject - your subject, not theirs. Be aware of detours and refuse to take them. You do not need to make excuses, defend yourself, or apologize for stating your needs firmly with confidence and taking back control of your life!
Take Action!
Think of a situation where someone has tried to detour you away from the subject. Did their technique work? Will it work next time?
Think of an aggressive person in your life who uses hurt to get their way. How do you usually react to them? How could you be more assertive the next time you communicate with them?
Connie Podesta, MS, LPC, CSP, is the Director of the Interpersonal Skills Department of Building the Power Practice. She was an educator for 15 years at all levels from junior high to major universities. She has served as Director of Employee Assistance Program (EAP) and Director of Staff Relations at a large community hospital. Ms. Podesta conducts workshops and training seminars for health care organizations and is a popular speaker at major dental seminars throughout the country. For more information or to schedule a speaking engagement, call 972-596-5501.
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